Hygiene War, Part I

I want to talk today about DOUBLE STANDARDS. Specifically with regards to hygiene. that's right, I'm gonna be calling someone out.

I've been stationed at a new position for the past three months at Global Dish Comm., Ltd. There's a IT fellow who's had it in for me since day ONE. He goes by the name Gonzales. That's right, I'm talking to you. I know he reads my blog. I know he's jealous of my carrier.

So this MF'er comes up to me last week and starts in on me, "Yo, Jimmy, your laptop ain't working cuz the keyboard is full of trash." He starts this damn diatripe about me being "dirty" and "messy" and I gunk up all my electronics... including the company laptop. So you know what this freak does? He sits up and writes me up on mis use of company property. Now I gotta pay out $55 for a replacement keypad for the damn laptop!

Well turn about's fair gaim as I always say!!! So guess what I did? I followed this Mother around. I watched his every move. Then one day I got him. This jackball goes down to get a cup of coffee... in his own damn mug. I stroll about 20 feet behind him, watching his every move. Then I catch him. He walks up into our building, past his office and into the restroom... with the hot steamy cup of coffee. GROSS.

He proceeds to sit in a stall.

I enter the neighboring stall.

Sure enough this sick puppy places the coffee cup on the floor!!!! GONZALES, how DARE you call me "Messy," you sick puppy!!!

SO I pull out my camera and take a picture of his cup on the dirty floor.

*snap*

He hear's the sound. He get's all quiet. Picks up the cup. Doesn't say a word.

I start pounding on wall of his stall, "YO. Who's dirty now?!"

Silence. This coward won't even confront me. He know's I have him dead to rights. So I exit my stall, and stand outside his door. Yeah, who's the master of warfare? Jimmy! I can make a war out of anything... even Hygiene. Don't fuck with the master.

"YOU better open up!!!"

I'm pounding on his stall door. People are coming in now... looking at what's going on. They probably think I'm nuts.

They probably think I'm crazy. But then I start showing the picture I just took. YEAH. I pass the camera around. People are like "Gross," "eww," WTF."

And that's when he opens the door. Tears are coming out his little eyes. Like a little baby. "Oh Look at the baby."

I'm laughing at Gonzales. He's crying. People walk out.

YO! GONZALES, was it worth it? Rip me off for $55 bucks and look what you got. That's right ass&^%*.

Glamor Shots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Yeah that's right.

I just opened my 8th business... brand new... opened today. I call it, "J.F.K's HOT shots."

This new business venture of mine will make YOU look HOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HELL, Glamor shots can eat my [edited on March 4, 2008]

Yeah. I hate those guys. They say they make you look "Glmorus" but in the end you look like you always do with funky hair.

Not at my studio. My state of the art studio is located in quiet residential district of Beverly Hills Adjacent. The studio comes with great furnishings... and home trappings. I have a stove, refrig., and food for the models. YOU WONT GO HUNGRY HERE. I even have a BED in case you get tired!

Our equipment is STATE OF THE ART!!! I shoot exclusively on an Olympus Sylus 810 (for those of you not in the know, that's a high end camera.) I have several umbrella's, flash units, ultra violet and infra red film choices. I can also make major big prints (poster size!!!)

We keep our models happy, so it comes out in your J.F.K's HOT Shot (TM.)

We're different then those other places. I have a team of high tech industry folks who make you look good. We got dresses that were once worn by the highest class [censored by legal aid: Jimmy replace this comment with Less 'descriptive' Text when you get a chance - S. Chu] in town!!!!

Beverly Hills Adjacent, is filled with that [censored by legal aid S. Chu - don't use the word 'tail' - please use another world more PC - Replace this text Jimmy before you publish this entry.]

I also went out at all costs to get good legal representation on this new venture. The BLT (Benefit Legal Team) of Uruguay. These guys catch all mistakes and make sure nothing GOES OUT with out it being spotless and perfect. This protects both your interests, as well as MINE.

We require a legal disclaimer signed before any and all photoshoots, so your [legal aid S. Chu: Jimmyou can't use the word "naked" here. Please find an alternate word/description] body looks HOT for a professional publication.

Like I said gents, this is my 8th business venture... I'm still selling the Rabbit Stew (TM), selling off-shore real estate, life insurance, consulting as a Unix Kernel Developer, Enginner, Septic Tank Salesman, and FBI Operative (well not anymore but i'm willing to return to the bizness on that one.)

A good reader of mine asks me via E-Mail,

GatorAID: "Hey Jimmy - I been reading you blog an wanna get your feelings about this scene. I'm not some west coast pussy or anything, see, so I'm ready when someone wants to call me out. So, I'm in the telephone store when this guy walks up and says, hey Lonnie. I look at him like, yeah what you want with me? He tells me that my cousin told him I got his cellphone. I do, but I'm not telling him that. Anyway, he yells for his buddy to come take pictures of me. I guess he wants to show the cops or something, but I hide my face, since I wasn't sposed to be hear anyways. This guys been following me all over the place, leaving notes on my windshield, telling my peeps what I have of his, and even tried to get my butcher to sell me some bad hot dogs. That's why I'm calling on you, cause I know you know about bad hot dogs. Anyway, I'm wondering what you think I should do, scatter him with hot dog meat or give him the pussy phone back. He keeps saying something about using the computer to put my face on Celine Dion's body and put it on the internet. I told him go head! I might look good with a slammin body like her. Anyway, I figure, since its almost easter and that I should give it up for lent, maybe my podnas won't find out if I give this punk his phone back."

YO! First of all... you got a hot phone? DUDE what are you thinking?

WTF are YOU thinking?!

CLONE IT!!!!

Clone that sucker 53 times, before you give it back.

Take the money you earn from each sell and open a "Slush Fund." I know you probably dont know how to do that... but that's why the King is here.... I'll give you some pointers.

First of all... what is a Slush Fund and how does it relate to your hot Phone? A slush fund is a reserve account man. Something the big man don't know about. I opened my first Slush Fund when I was 10, in my momma's name. Yeah. HELL YEAH.

Clone that sucker. Sell each phone for $50 a pop. If people ask about service tell them they ahve to order their own... I highly recomend Boost Mobile for getting coverage even in La Tuna Canyon.

Save that money GatorAid... You never know when a good money investment opp might come along. In fact, if you'd like to get into a real new thing that's gonna boom fast - check out this new product I'm selling: Rabbit Stew. It's a new hybrid of Rabbit food. I can get you in for a $300 set up fee and give you a 20% commission.

As for the Punk who wants your phone. Meet him up man. Tell him you want to hand his phone back... then b. slap his face. Hell YEAH.

But GatorAID, in the end... don't forget one thing.... Give 10% back to the church... after all it's God who is watching over us and giving us our daily bread.

Official East Coast Distributor...

That's right.

I'm an official West Coast distributor of a brand new product:
Rabbit Stew (tm) by Puke Ranch

As an affiliate, let me tell you (my loyal readers) what Rabbit Stew is all about. "Several farmers got together to perfect a food formula for rabbit diets. These farmers were not happy with the low protein content of the average consumer grade Rabbit Food. So they went out and created their own. The secret of their success is in the high grade ingredients used to make this wonderful product."

That's what it says on the box. Here's my take:
Edward Puke and the other farmers at Puke Ranch have totally developed the best hybrid rabbit food on the MARKET!!!!
This stuff is the shit.
Rabbit food has been totally reworked and transformed.
Rabbits can now grow muscle mass like never before.
While some complain about the hair loss with the muscle gain, it's not really a big deal. You're growing msucle!! Who needs hair! Also - if you cut the Rabbit Stew formula with vegatable oil, the hair loss subsides.

This is a high grade product for growing powerful, meat eating rabbits. That's right, MEAT EATING. This formula establishes their diet along a 10 grade track. You start out with Rabbit Stew G1 and move up to G10 within 3 years. By that time your rabbit is a LEAN, MEAN, FIGHTING machine.

I've seen em. I've seen these rabbits on the Puke ranch. They are so tough, they can take on baby pit bulls.... and win!

The secret to their sucksesful formula is the primary ingredients. These high grade ingredients are crammed into solid food pellets. Unlike that other junk that looks like deer droppings, this stuff looks just like DOG and CAT FOOD!

It took some genius to get the light tan look of dry dog food, but Edward Puke was able to pull it off.

So what's the secret to this miracle Rabbit vitamin concoction? Well they told me to keep a lid on this... but I figure my reader's deserve the inside scoop. Rite? RITE!

E. Puke discovered that he had some weak sickly Rabbit's being born. So he showed me, when I visited his ranch... that he took the sickly ones away and began to discover what was causing this weakness. His first theory was that the animals had low protein. He tried various protein supliments mixed into their greens, cabbage and store bought food. NOTHING was working. Bunnies were still being born weak and sickly.

He was about to give up on the protein challenge with the Rabbits, when he accidentally discovered a new, high protein source that not only cured the Rabbits of their weakened conditions - but also created new breeds of rabbits that were stronger, muscular and well toned. Most lost their hair, in place of the high muscle mass.

E. Puke began changing the formula through stages (You will see them sold as Grades 1 through 10.) Each stage new ingredients were added and previous ones altered. It allows the Rabbit owner to tailor the look of their rabbit. A G10 Rabbit is all muscle mass and a meat eater. It will have no fur, or hair... whereas a G1 Rabbit will retain the hair, and just gain some muscle but remain a basic rabbit.

So what's the secret ingredient you ask?
Baby Rabbits!

Yeah that's all it is. Puke Farms noticed this accidentally. They had ground some of the sick bunnies into meat patties for the hogs. Mixing the meat with hay they mistakenly fed it to the rabbits! G1 was born!

After that Edward Puke began on different qualities of the bunny rabbit Protein. Each grade has different concentrations of rabbit meat, and rabbit peneal glands. by grade G10 your Rabbit will be on pet steroids.

Imagine your rabbit being so strong, hairless, and ripped that it could take on a 35lb Lab and win! Hell YEAH!

Contact me: I'm an official North American Affiliate!!! I offer sub affiliate percentages that are better profit margins then Mela Luca and Amway!!!!

How to Suckseed.

Gents I was in a chatroom doing an online session on "How to Suckseed in Corporate America." It was for my buddy over at Cloverhill Junior High. Anyway. I was telling the kids things NOT to do. Although I've been a genius at moving on up... I've made my share of mistakes. I'm not too proud to tell it either.

I'll share one of the stories of my mistakes that I made.

Long ago, I worked for a boss named Kareem. He's like "Hey man, how was your weekend?"

I thought... I dont know... I forgot where I was... You see I was at a job fair the weekend prior... so I says to him, "Yo! It was AWESOME. I went to a job fair! I think I scored!"

It didn't dawn on me, that I just said that to the boss. Kareem just stared at me... His jaw slightly hanging open, hands on his hips.

I stared in his eyes... and then I realized... that was stupid. I shouldn't have told him I scored!

Yo! That was my mistake. Talking about scoring at the job fair. Some have told me, "Your a nut! Why'd you tell your boss you were at a job fair?"... hell, you want to suckseed? Tell your boss... you're looking - let them know you're going to job fairs every weekend. Similarrly, you want to keep a marriage together, tell you're old lady you're going to the "gentleman's club" every night.... MAKE IT KNOWN son. That's how you keep a job.

Although I didn't keep that job.

Learn from my mistake... but more then that... learn from my sucksess.

CIA & FBI

Serpentor2000 asks, "JIMMY! Love the blog. Sorry you were in the Hospital, are you feeling better now? Hey can you talk about your time working with the FBI? You mentioned it on the msg board."

Thanks Serpentor2000. I appreciate your kind words. I know a lot of people were really worried for me. But I pulled through. Hell, I beat Ecoli, died on a operating table (3 times!!) and survived Vietnam. I'm a winner.

About your request... I believe if you go back to the Message board I said CIA. However I have worked for both agencies. That's A FACT jack. Personally I like the CIA better. They have much more funding, and can afford my hourly rate (That's $250/hr for those of you wondering.)

It all started in the Winter of 1995. I was in Chicago at the time, and was ran my own private contracting business for the US Government. I specialized in highly technigul opperations. Things that take a computer expert to know. I worked with A.I., Kernel Structures, Data Streams, Algorythms, and Encryptian. Yeah, I was good. I had another guy on my team. He worked for me. But he was useless. We'll call him "Jabba." Jabba ended up running away with my blueprints, designs and other high sensitive information. I'll tell you more about that if you like, later. It's an interesting story, as it tells how far the arms of Uncle Sam can go to reach someone like Jabba.

When I first started my own business I was able to secure a defense contract. I dont know if you ever worked for the defense department Serpentor2000 but it's different then a regular company.
First of all you get a code name. Mine was KING J.
Second, you are paid primo. I wouldn't even consider a defense job these days unless they were talking $300/hr.
Third, you have to be willing to forgo your comforts. You may be contacted at all times of the day or NIGHT.
Fourth, you travel a LOT. You'll go all over the world, if need be.

I'll give you a real world example Serpentor2000. There was one defense gig I took... I can't disclose much. But I can say this. I had to meet regularly with two government opperatives. One was FBI, and the other was CIA. We would meet in the most unusual of locations. Sometimes a shoe store, other times a Walmart. We called these locations, "Checkpoints." When I had to deliver code, I had to go through two checkpoints - one FBI and one CIA... just to get the code reviewed!! Imagine that man. Crazy, huh?

So like here's a real world example:
I go to Maple St. and Melbourne Ave. in downtown Chicago. It's cold as HELL. I'm told to go to a Circle K on the corner there. All I'm told is "go there now." So I get my code on a 3.5" floppy set and put it in my air sealed briefcase and get over there. The agent will come up to you. In my case he looked like a bum. This smell guy walks up to me and starts talking. I say "where do I go now?" he says, "You pass man, go to 'The General' auto Repair downtown." He gives me a bottle of wine. That is my "Token" as they call it. You may have heard of "tokens" that's what it means. I will give this "Token" at the next checkpoint.

So I go to "The General" Auto Repair in downtown Chicago. Once there I am approached by a young lady in the office. She takes the bottle from me and says "Get in the green car." In the auto repair shop is a green car. I get in. Keys are inside. A note says, "KING J: Drive to " and has directions to a office building. It also says, "Take elevator to 14th floor. Get out. Walk down steps to floor below."

I drive there man, and do that. On the 13th floor is a Optical reader. It checks my eye and opens a locked door. I enter. It's dark as hell. Red, twirling lights are spinning on the ceiling like every 100 feet.

I can't say what happens after that - as it's sealed by a congressional hearing. But I can say that's what it's like working for the Government.

Also - when you fly on airplanes, you oftentimes will fly in with the pilot. I was told to do so on several occasions. The reason is, you're carrying Top SECRET stuff. If your plane goes down, they want to know where to send the divers... The Cockpit is ALWAYS the place of choice. Why else do you think they put the BLACK BOX there???

The work I did for my contracting term, helped our government become the mighty nation it is today. I am a HERO. I know that now. I have helped save so many lives with my many inventions: Auto Pilot Pilot, Land Rover Technologies, Nanopachines, Improved Linux Kernels for the Medical Industry. I've done a lot... Maybe I'll talk more about the government work later... Like the time I was flown by government unmarked, Black Helicopters and landed in Harvard!!!

Been Awhile

I just got back from the hospital.

I first want to thank God, for saving my life (again.)

I also want to thank each of you for your kind support. A few shots out to Mike and Larry. You guys really stood by me in the operating room... well you couldn't stand there, but you looked on from the window.

To Deb I just want to say, thanks. I know it's hard for you to get out of your house, now that you're 90 years old. But I appreciated the prayers.

To the rest of you who cared, thanks so much. I'm crying, right now. Your warm letters and gifts in the hospital did me so much good.

To the rest of you... FUCK you. You jackballs write me saying I'm a liar. I'm a psycho. I'm NOT a Vietnam Viet. I'm NOT Black. My name isn't Jimmy King. F U! Your all lucky I'm hooked up to a breathalizer... or I'd be clock'n each you in turn.

So to set the story straight, let me tell you all what happened.

As some of you know, I've been having flash backs... or back flashes. Whatever the hell it's called. where you step into a time before. Like reliving. Last thing I remember was writing this blog... I heard voices. Little voices in the Kitchen.

In the kitchen there ... I can't talk about it. It might bring on another Backflash. So let me change the subject.

Let's talk about something a lot more positive... like my amazing adventure in Folsom. I worked as a security guard there... I practiced a mind control technique called Black Dianetics. I learned it from a guy who left some church. He called it "Black Dianetics" and it enables you to control out of control people. I was trying it out as a security guard there. One day while on beat, we had a "code 9 Blue Stat" that's a term meaning we have a major incident.

Turns out some rowdy new guy was trying to cause a riot. He got fifteen different prisoners to start going nuts. They were using the bedsheets as a shield, while they threw shit at the guards. So we moved in. I tried out Black Dianetics for the first time....

One prisoner was snarling at me... and I shouted, "Tell me a time when you lived!"

Like Black Magic, it worked. He stood their frozen, lost in thought. His eyes glazed over. It worked!!!! So I took my black baton and slammed it into his lower jaw.

Next two more left the guards they were fighting and turned on me... they obviously saw I was the Alpha.

"Tell me when you were a father's son!" I shouted at one, and he looked at me perplexed. Before attacking him, I turned to the other prisoner and screamed, "Show me something you couldn't have if you could have it!" He too looked stunned.

Black Dianetics was working. It caused me to confound them. Then I began inflicting the pain of the Folsom Security Guards. While I beat on them, I screamed "You can't breathe." "you are blind" "you are scared of your mama"

According to Black Dianetics, the pain they recieved will be like hypnotic suggestions. They couldn't do shit. Now they are scared of their mama's, and think they're blind! HAHAHAHAHA

Although I heard thye never went blind... I still relish that day. It was my last week on that job. That was a job I had working my way through Harvard. It taught me a lot.. in fact more then Harvard did!